


Deep Water

by cheinsaw



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Useless Lesbians, wikihow: How To Know If You Are Gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 08:12:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10963236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheinsaw/pseuds/cheinsaw
Summary: Or, Himiko's journey of lesbian self-discovery.





	Deep Water

**Author's Note:**

> *but i'm a cheerleader voice* Oh my God! I'm a homosexual!
> 
> ty to ao3 user komarunaegi for betaing

 

Himiko couldn't explain it if someone asked why she spends so much time with Tenko. She supposes it's out of laziness: Tenko usually comes to her first. And being with Tenko isn't awful, really. Tenko listens to her, and is appreciative of her magic. Tenko is... somewhat pleasant when it comes down to it. Much better than Ouma or Iruma, at the very least.

Tenko's not like the rest of them. Awkward mannerisms, hatred of all men. Strange things slip out of her mouth more often than not. But Tenko is agreeable enough, and Himiko doesn't mind, nor does she have the energy to seek out someone else to befriend.

Tenko's room is neater than Himiko would have expected at the start of their friendship. She keeps all her clothes either folded or on hangers, her bed made, and her weights and nunchucks lined up on her desk. It's such a stark difference to Himiko's own messy room, but in a soothing way. The two of them have more than enough room to sit on the floor and drink tea together, while Tenko dutifully chips away at her homework and Himiko dozes off across from her.

"Yumeno-san should really get started on her copy of the math problems. Girls should always do their best at school and in life!"

"Nngghh... 'M out of MP."

"Oh?"

"I could just use magic to do my homework if I had more mana," Himiko mumbles.

"Ah, Tenko was wondering, how does Yumeno-san get her mana?"

"Sleeping."

"If Yumeno-san needs to take a nap, Tenko is fine with watching over her."

Weird. That's weird. Himiko's suddenly uncomfortably awake. "What are you, gay?"

Tenko sputters. "That's, well, T-Tenko is... a lesbian... But, but, Tenko swears she would never do anything on purpose that might upset Yumeno-san!"

"Nnhhh," Himiko mumbles in reply. She hadn't really expected an answer, let alone a truthful one. But it's not like Himiko hadn't had her suspicions about Tenko.

"Umm, if Tenko may ask a question...?" When Himiko doesn't respond, Tenko continues, "Yumeno-san... brings it up a lot, girls liking other girls, a-and Tenko was wondering if—if Yumeno-san was... like her."

"Me?" Himiko's face goes white. "I'm n—I-I'm not gay."

"Ah—! Tenko apologizes f—"

"I don't want to talk about it." Tenko's words feel like a knife in her heart. Shame shame shame, the little secret she's known her whole life and pushed deep down inside her. She can't let it come to the surface, no matter what. If she does, then—

"Need to go," Himiko mumbles, feeling the tears hot in the corners of her eyes as she turns away. She won't let Tenko see her cry.

"Yumeno-san?" Tenko asks softly as Himiko stumbles towards the door and takes off. But she doesn't try to follow, and Himiko's not sure if that's for the best or worst.

 

Breathe, Himiko reminds herself once she's back in her bed, her safe haven, a candle lit on her nightstand. Just breathe, just breathe, it's as easy as in and out and in and out. If she just focuses on her lungs, and the flame of the candle searing a dark spot in her vision, she doesn't have to think of anything else.

She can hear some of the other girls in their dorms around her. The elegant click-clack of Toujou's heels, oddly comforting. The distant sound of a piano. In the room next door, Angie is singing.

She should want to be with a boy. Boys are nice, aren't they? Not Ouma, certainly, and not Momota, who's too loud and angry. But Saihara is nice enough, right? Or Amami, or Gokuhara. Even Kiibo, though Himiko's not exactly sure if Kiibo can really be considered a boy. All of them have incredibly good traits, like Saihara's soft pretty face and long eyelashes and—no, no. Amami, then. Amami's so handsome, like a celebrity. He could be an idol, the singer of a boy band, and girls would flock to him for a chance to be that close to perfection. And Gokuhara is strong and big, and could carry Himiko around with little effort, and has the kindest smile.

All of these boys around her are good, are nice. Himiko should like one of them. Himiko _could_ like one of them. Maybe she just hasn't been around them enough? Yes, that's it—spending all her time with Tenko has made her forget what it's like to feel for boys.

For a second, she thinks of Tenko, and Tenko's smile and Tenko's legs and Tenko's trustworthiness and Tenko's laugh and Tenko's eyes and Tenko's perseverance and Tenko, Tenko, Tenko, flooding into her mind unbidden.

Her stomach hurts. She thinks that maybe she hates Tenko.

Himiko slumps down under her covers and cries.

 

"Tenko is sorry," Tenko says softly in lieu of a greeting the next time they meet. "Tenko really didn't mean to upset Yumeno-san, s-she was just curious."

"Mmhh," Himiko says.

"Can Tenko make it up?"

"'S fine." It's not, and Himiko is still reeling from her discovery. The feelings she has must be hatred, right? What else could something so strong be? Yet she's not repulsed by Tenko's presence; rather, she is... nervous.

"Um, Tenko wanted to say one more thing and then she'll never talk about it again, Tenko promises!"

"Mmm."

"Tenko just wanted Yumeno-san to know that... well... whether she likes girls or awful boys doesn't matter to Tenko! T-Tenko will always support Yumeno-san, no matter what!"

Himiko honestly has no idea what to say. "...Okay."

 

Now that Himiko's realized it, Tenko's lesbian brainwashing is the only thing she can think about. In class, she stares at the back of Saihara's head as she dozes off. She feels nothing for him. But she could. She's sure of it.

Still, finding the energy to ask her classmates to hang out, rather than waiting for them to come to her, is no small feat. So Himiko finds herself, as usual, most often with Tenko. She doesn't exactly mind, sure, but she really wouldn't want everyone else to get the wrong idea about her.

On a sunny Wednesday morning Angie beats Tenko to the punch, and Himiko internally sighs in relief. Angie is just as strange and even more outlandish, but noticeably less gay, and Himiko doesn't feel anxious and weird around her like she does with Tenko. Angie coming to class for once should clear Himiko's head, remind her who she is.

"Need to talk to Angie," Himiko tells Tenko just before lunch.

"Ah, Angie-san is coming to eat too?"

"It has t' be alone," Himiko says flatly.

"O-oh." Tenko looks wounded, and Himiko feels like her heart is breaking. "That's okay. Tenko is fine by herself!"

"See you later," Himiko mumbles, turning away from Tenko's desk. She follows Angie out of the classroom into the hall, and tries not to think about the spike of pain in her heart when she pictures Tenko eating alone.

Angie always eats lunch outside in the courtyard, stretching out in the sun. Himiko drags her feet following her, not bothering to try and keep up with Angie's long strides and skips. She collapses down into the grass by Angie's side.

"Nyahaha," Angie laughs, reaching out to pet Himiko's head. "Angie is so happy Himiko could be here!"

"Me too." The sun on her face is nice, making her feel like she could doze off at any moment.

"Himiko wanted to talk to Angie about something?" Angie's eyes are wide and interested.

"Mmm, yeah. It's... sort of embarrassing."

"Angie can help! As a messenger of God, Angie is always happy to give God's holy advice." She clasps her hands.

"Umu... How d'you know when... you like someone?"

"Oho?! Ahaha! God chooses for Angie!" Angie beams. "Did God choose someone special for Himiko?"

Tenko's face flashes in Himiko's mind, and Himiko suddenly feels like she's been stabbed. No, no, no, no, that's wrong. That's _wrong,_ she's not... like that.

"...I dunno."

"O-kay! Hey, hey, who is it? Angie promises she won't tell!"

Himiko's mouth feels like it's filled with cotton. "Nnhh... nobody."

"It's not nice to lie!" Angie puffs out her cheeks. "God will be mad!"

"I'm... I'm not, I just... It's really confusing..."

"Himiko doesn't need to tell Angie, then. After all, God already knows!" Angie giggles. "He's seen the love in Himiko's heart and he's really happy about it, you know?"

A chill runs through Himiko's body despite the sunshine. "Mmm, okay." And Angie laughs that carefree laugh and starts telling Himiko something about heaven and nature and angels. Himiko tries to push her thoughts aside to relax in the sun. And it almost, almost works.

 

"How did you know?" Himiko asks over tea one day.

"Umm... Know what, Yumeno-san?"

Himiko fidgets, wishing she had something in her hands to play with. "That you... liked girls."

Tenko blinks slowly. "Tenko has always loved girls!" she says, a bit too loud. "Girls are wonderful and soft and strong, and Tenko... Tenko loves all of them!" She clenches her fists.

"Mmm, okay." That wasn't helpful at all.

"Tenko just... hates filthy men so much," Tenko continues, obviously trying to collect herself. "Tenko's father is a very bad man! The worst of all the awful men in the world! But! When he sent Tenko away to the temple to learn aikido... That's when Tenko started to see how each and every girl is amazing!"

Tenko is just going in circles. Himiko doesn't want to push her for details, doesn't know how, even, but she needs to for her quest. "But how d'you _know?_ "

Tenko immediately colors, her face turning pink. "Ah... W-whenever Tenko sees a pretty girl... it makes her heart flutter... And her hands get sweaty, and Tenko would very much like to kiss—" Tenko stops suddenly, inhaling sharply.

"Nnhh?"

"Um, it's, it's nothing! Tenko just--almost said something very bad! Please forget all about it!"

"Nnn." Himiko doesn't have the energy to ask for more answers.

"Tenko just... feels very strongly about girls," she finishes softly.

That night when Himiko's tucked herself into bed, she decides to push it, just the slightest bit. In the dark, alone, it's easier. "I like girls," she whispers to herself. It sounds so strange and foreign on her tongue, giving her a rush—followed by shame. She _shouldn't_.

...But maybe she does.

Himiko tries her hardest not to force herself to think of a (tiring, unexciting) boy like she usually does, and instead thinks of holding a girl's hand. (She will not pretend it's Tenko.) The thought makes her feel warm inside. Safe. She imagines the girl taking her hand, embracing her, drawing her up into a kiss. Her lips would be soft, her hands around Himiko's waist to hold her tight.

The very thought is terrifying.

Himiko's heart pounds. She thinks of kissing Tenko, and she can't deny her face flushes hot at the idea. _I can't_ , she reminds herself.

 _God is happy about it,_ says the echo of Angie's voice in her head.

Himiko has never put much faith in Angie's god, or anyone's for that matter. Himiko believes in her own magic to solve all problems. If only she had enough MP to cast all this away from her and make things right.

She pushes the thought of Angie away and curls into a heavy, sad sleep.

 

Himiko is even more tired than usual the next day, dragging herself through class and nearly falling asleep multiple times. She declines to eat during lunch, taking a short nap at her desk instead. After the break ends she only feels worse. Himiko's head throbs in pain, and her eyes just won't stay open. She knows what's going to happen seconds before it does, and yet she's powerless to stop it—she falls forward and out of her chair, collapsing onto the floor.

"Yumeno-san!" Tenko yells, rushing over to her side. Himiko can hear the concerned murmurs of her other classmates, but they're distant, faint. "Yumeno-san! Yumeno-san!"

"Is she okay?" someone asks.

"Tenko will take Yumeno-san to the nurse's office." Himiko hears the words, but doesn't really process their meaning until a pair of hands is under her body, scooping her up into warm arms. _Ah,_ she thinks, _this is nice._ And then everything is fuzzy and black.

 

"...hit her head at all?"

"Tenko doesn't think so."

"Hmm. It looks like Yumeno-san collapsed from exhaustion, but if there's no head injuries, she probably..."

Himiko doesn't open her eyes. There are people talking about her, but the words slip in and out of focus. She only wants to rest.

"...back to the dorms for now."

"Y-yes, of course!"

Himiko is being picked up again. It feels so safe. Her last thought before she passes out once more is that she wishes Tenko would carry her everywhere, and there is no shame that comes with it.

 

She awakes in her own bed, familiar and warm. It's dark, save for the light from the small lamp on her desk. Cozy. Himiko lies there for a few long moments, adjusting to being awake. Her limbs feel heavy. The pain in her head isn't gone, but it's dulled enough that she can ignore it. She must have been out for at least a few hours by now.

"Yumeno...san?"

Himiko rolls over. There's Tenko, sitting at her desk with concern and anxiety all over her face. "...You brought me here," she says, trying to piece things together.

Tenko nods. "Yumeno-san fainted in class and Tenko was worried... So Tenko stayed to make sure Yumeno-san would be okay. Um, but, i-if Yumeno-san would like Tenko to go she can leave right away!"

"Nnngghh... no, stay."

Tenko visibly relaxes. "A-alright."

"Thank you," Himiko mumbles.

"Anytime, Yumeno-san."

The way Tenko says her name like it's a beautiful flower or a work of art sends warmth through Himiko's chest. She thinks she'd like to hear Tenko say her given name that way—like it's something precious.

Maybe she did hit her head after all.

"Um, is Yumeno-san sick? Tenko is sorry for not noticing until now, but..."

"Umu... no, the reason I collapsed is... It'd take a lot of mana to explain..."

"Tenko thought Yumeno-san might say that! Please take this!" Tenko places a bottle of water, an apple, and a small packet of saltines on the bed next to Himiko.

Himiko forces herself to sit up and tears open the crackers, placing one in her mouth. It's bland, inoffensive. Salty. She chews it slowly, then takes a sip from the water bottle. Already, she feels a bit better, and the realization dawns on her that she'd forgotten to eat all day again. Well. That certainly must have added fuel to the fire.

"Didn't sleep well," Himiko finally says, after plowing through half the pack of saltines.

"Ah, um, Tenko can help with that! Yumeno-san could try some light stretching before bed, or herbal tea, or—"

"No, it's... Not that. I was just thinking about some things and my power reserves weren't enough…"

"Is there anything Tenko could help with? Even if Yumeno-san just needs to talk about it… Tenko is a very good listener!"

"Mmm… Actually, I…" _Shouldn't say it. Shouldn't say it_. "If I tell you… Promise not to tell anyone?"

"Tenko promises! All of Yumeno-san's secrets are safe with her!"

"Okay." Himiko bites her lip. "I…" The words stick in her throat like honey. She can't she can't she—"I like girls," she blurts. "I... I think."

Tenko smiles brightly. "Ah, Tenko would be happy to help Yumeno-san figure it out! First of all, when Yumeno-san is around a boy, does—"

"No, no, I already thought about all that. Explaining... would be really tiring. I just... Girls."

"Girls," Tenko repeats. "Um, Tenko can accept that."

"Yeah."

"That's why Yumeno-san couldn't sleep?"

"Mmm."

"Tenko sees… It's… nothing to be ashamed of. Tenko knows how hard it is." Himiko could swear there's a hint of bitterness in Tenko's smile. "But being a lesbian is something really special, Tenko thinks."

"Mmm."

"...Thank you for trusting Tenko, either way."

Himiko looks up at Tenko again, sitting there at the desk with her hands folded in her lap so neatly, and she wonders what she ever did to get someone as good as Tenko staying by her side. Tenko's smile, Tenko's legs, Tenko's trustworthiness, Tenko's laugh, Tenko's eyes, Tenko's perseverance.

Tenko is _beautiful._

"Tenko?" Himiko mumbles.

"Yes!"

"I... I realized it because of you." This part is easier to say than she'd expected, slipping out of her mouth as if it's got a life of its own.

"Oh! Tenko is so happy that she could help Yumeno-san find herself!"

"I don't mean that," Himiko mutters.

"A-ah? Yumeno-san?"

It's now or never. Himiko has to say it. This many confessions at once is exhausting, but she needs to tell Tenko, needs to do something about the ache in her heart whenever she thinks of Tenko.

She takes a deep breath. "I... like you, Tenko."

Himiko hadn't known what it meant for a person to light up before. Tenko's eyes slowly widen, and a huge smile spreads across her face, and she begins to bounce up and down where she sits and claps her hands excitedly and she is radiant, the very picture of happiness.

"Tenko accepts! Tenko absolutely one hundred percent accepts!"

"Accepts what?" Himiko asks, confused. She hadn't offered anything.

"T-T-Tenko would like to be Yumeno-san's girlfriend!"

 _Oh._ Himiko can feel herself start to blush all over again. "Nnn... Are you saying you... you like me too?"

Tenko nods happily, clearly excited.

"Mmm... Then I accept too," Himiko says, feeling a smile come over her face. Her heart pounds, her hands tremble, but for the first time she's not scared. "Please become my... my girlfriend."

"A-ah, Tenko knows this is sudden," Tenko says. "But c-could Tenko please kiss—"

"Yes," Himiko says, cutting her off. And Tenko's lips are just as warm as she'd imagined. Better, even, sending thrills all through Himiko's body, happiness bubbling in her chest.

Himiko laughs and pulls Tenko in close for another kiss. Tenko falls ungracefully onto Himiko's bed, and Himiko giggles, clinging tightly onto Tenko's shoulders. Nothing could be better than this moment, she thinks as she and Tenko bump noses before their lips meet again.  She's weightless, she is flying, she is good and right and she loves a girl and that girl loves her back, and nothing can take that away.

Against Tenko's lips, Himiko is smiling.


End file.
